What I Learned and My Thoughts

After exploring into and learning about effects of divorce and blended families on children, I have concluded that yes, there are some major effects that children suffer due to the divorce of their parents. Although some of my research did conclude that the effects were minimal, others thought differently. Children are affected by divorce as well as the introduction of new parent figures and siblings. Most children struggle in school and social environments because of a fear of rejection, due to divorce. Some children also suffer from what is known as the “overburdened child theory” which is when the parent or parents basically give up altogether and leave the child to take care of themselves for the most part. Some children also struggle with maintaining healthy relationships. More commonly seen in girls is something known as the “sleeper effect”. The sleeper effect is when the child seems to be dealing with the divorce and it doesn’t seem they have been impacted by it too bad, and then when they begin to enter committed relationships as they get older the trauma of the situation come rushing back. They struggle with their relationships because they fear their partners are not being faithful or do not want the relationship. They also struggle with feelings of low self-esteem and self-worth. The sleeper effect is one of the effects of divorce that can stay with that child for a life-time as are many others. Children who have been through the pain of a divorce often show signs of low self-esteem, fears of rejection and abandonment and they will struggle with it for their entire lives. Unfortunately, divorce often has lingering effects on children and parents alike for many years.

As for the introduction of step-parents and siblings into a child’s life after divorce, the effects differ. Sometimes it can be beneficial to a child to have a step-parent, especially one who has completely lost one of their biological parents, other times it can cause more pain and resentment for them. Most children will adapt to their new step-parent just fine. The key is for the step-parent to know and respect their boundaries with the child. Most children want more of a friendship with their step-parent than a parent-child relationship. I think that in some ways this is acceptable, but I also believe there is a time to be a parent and a time to be a friend, step-parent or biological.  Also it is important for the biological parent to allow the child to continue relationships with their other parent and their grandparent, not to try to force the other parent out of the picture and replace them with the step-parent. This is crucial for the sake of the child and to make the transition easier on them. Some children will never be able to let go and move on and be able to bond with their step-parents, while others will build healthy long-lasting relationships with them. Again, the key is for the step-parent and the biological parent to what is best for the child, even if they don’t like it.

I believe that children of all ages suffer right along with the parents of divorce. Sometimes we lose sight of that and focus the attention on ourselves, which is not right. We are the adults and we need to help our children make it through this transition, it is not any easier on them than it is us. There are steps that can be taken to help the children adjust and better understand the situation, we need to take those steps to try and prevent our children from struggling their entire lives over something that was out of their control.

I will continue to do research on the topic of divorce and children. I haven’t answered all of the questions I had, and many more have arisen throughout my research. I would still like to know what other effects there might be for children, maybe some of the more severe effects. I haven’t looked into that aspect yet. Also I still have not found much on how the effects of divorce differ throughout age groups, and if the younger you are the less you are impacted by the divorce.

• While doing research on my topic I learned that children are most definitely affected by the divorce of their parents. In which ways and to what degrees do differ, but even still they are impacted. I also learned a little bit of how the parents of divorce struggle as well. It’s not just the kids who are hurt.
• Some of my sources said that the impact of divorce on children was insignificant, while others said that the impact was much greater than we realize. I would say that the most helpful of my sources was the article I read by Judith Wallerstein, it gave me much insight into my topic, as well as many aspects to look at it from. Also they did five and ten year follow-ups with their participants, which I feel gives you a better look into how some of the effects last longer than others.
• Yes, I found satisfactory answers to my questions. I know what some of the effects are, how long they last, and ways to prevent some of them from even occurring.
• I still want to know how age affects the impact of divorce. Another question that has arisen, is what are some of the more severe effects of divorce?
• My main argument would be that children ARE effected by divorce, and not only has there been research done that proves this, but also I have seen some of the effects with my own two eyes, in my own children. Some people believe that children are not effected at all, and others believe that the impact is insignificant, which is not true.

Finally... Some Answers!

I was having a little trouble figuring out the library database, and finding articles for my topic, but I finally figured it out and found what I believe to be the most helpful articles yet. The first article I found was Relationships with Step-parents. This article talks about the struggles children have relating to their step-parents, as well as the struggles the step-parents face trying to build relationships with their step-children. They did a study and spoke with a number of participants about how their lives had been affected by the introduction of a step-parent, at what age this happened, and how they felt about the relationship between the two of them. They found that after a divorce, many children are not ready nor are they willing to try and build a relationship with a non-biological parent figure. Many children struggle in school and social aspects because of their lives not only being disrupted by a divorce but also now by someone new coming in and trying to replace their lost parent. Although some of the children did report having good relationships with their step-parents, the majority of them did not. Others reported that the relationship either started off good or bad, but ended the opposite. The major reason most of the children disliked their step-parent or was unwilling to try and have a relationship with them, was because they didn't like that they tried to discipline them, they didn't feel that was there place. The one thing that I really liked about this article was it not only answered many of my questions, but it also listed off some ways to try and prevent a bad relationship outcome between step-parent, and step-child, which I thought was very helpful. They say that if you are a step-parent the best thing you can do to bond with your step-child is to be supportive, not try to push them into viewing you as their parent, don't try to discipline them, and to be laid-back, more of a friend than parent. In some ways I don't agree with this, I believe there is a time to be a parent, and a time to be a friend to your child. However, in a step-parent light, I believe it is slightly more acceptable to do so.


The other article I found I also found on the library database onThe Effects of Divorce on Children . This article didn't necessarily provide any other information for me, that I hadn't already learned other places, but a few things I noticed that I thought were interesting were that they referenced to an article I discussed on my last post by Judith Wallerstein and that they believed her findings to be more accurate than others because of her approach. Also that the numerous studies have been done on this particular subject, but none of them have the same results. Some believe that divorce greatly impacts children and others believe that it has an insignificant impact on them. I also found many answers to my questions in this article, and found it helpful that they also listed ways to help you children cope with the impacts of divorce. They found that children who still remained in contact with the more absent parent, and other family members tied to this parent to be better off. Also they believe that the less conflict there is between the two ex-spouses, lesser the impact of the situation will be on the child. So although we may not be able to prevent divorce from happening, at least there are steps we can take to help our children cope with this tragedy. I know that I will try my best to use these tactics with my children. It helps to know there is something I can do to help them through this.



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Delving Further Into My Research

I've continued doing research on my topic of divorce and it's effects on children. I've also found two more sources to gather information from. One article I found was Children After Divorce. This article was about a study done on sixty families who had been through a divorce and what problems the children and their parents faced afterwards. They did follow-ups with these families five and ten years following the divorce to see how they were coming along in getting their lives back on track, their findings were not what they had expected. They found that five years after the divorce many of the parents as well as children were still struggling with finding their way through life. The children were struggling in school, and social activities, as well as fears of abandonment from both parents, and some of them still didn't fully understand the cause for their parents divorce. The parents were struggling with finding and maintaining a stable income, as well as moving on and finding healthy relationships, especially if they were over the age of forty. Some of the children also reported that their parents were having a hard time carrying on with their parenting responsibilities.(Which I think is very sad) Ten years following the divorce they did another follow-up and found that the children and parents were still struggling. Many of the now young women who had been young kids when their parents divorced were now struggling with something they called the "sleeper effect". The sleeper effect is what happens when the girls seemed to be doing ok and dealing with the divorce, until they started to enter a committed relationship of their own. Once they began having mature relationships the effects of their parents divorce began to creep up on them and they began to  doubt their romantic partners which they were now involved with. Feelings of doubt and fear of rejection or of their partners not being faithful to them either ended or almost ended many of their relationships. The parents of these children were also still struggling with the same issues they were five years earlier.  I found this particular article VERY helpful. It answered quite a few of the questions I had and also gave me names to certain effects that are caused by divorce (e.g., the sleeper effect). This article also left me asking many more questions, such as: Do women of divorce struggle more than men in their relationships because of fear of rejection or their partners not being faithful? Does the "sleeper effect" affect men too or just women? Do the parents of divorce tend to neglect their children after divorce? Therefore causing the child to begin taking care of the parent and keeping them together versus the other way around?(Also known as the "over-burdened child theory") Is it easier on children if they are younger (toddler age and younger) to deal with a divorce than if they were older? <(Another finding they discovered in their study, it seemed) How does the divorce rate of caucasians differ than those of other races, as well as the American divorce rate differ from that of other countries? (This study was done on middle-class caucasians only)




The other article I found was In Praise of the Broken Home. This article I didn't find as insightful as the first. This article was mostly based on the authors opinions of broken homes and blended families from her own experiences, and not so much on studies done or research she had done. I got some helpful information from this article on how blended families affect children and the way they grow up, but not as much as I would have liked. Therefore I am going to continue to try to find more sources on the effects of blended families on children. However there was and ending quote of this article that I found inspiring and would like to share with you. It was "This home has been broken, but don't try to fix it. The cracks and gashes have made it what it is." I really like this quote, it speaks to me in ways, I'm not even sure how to explain. Well off to do more research, and see what I can find. Enjoy!



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What I've learned so far!

So I have begun to do research on my topic, on the effects of divorce and stepparents on children. It's a little harder than I thought it was going to be to find information on this topic. I have found two sites so far that have had some helpful information, one was more insightful and more help than the other. The one article I found was The Long-term Effects of Divorce and Remarriage. This article was a little hard to follow and although it had some helpful information, it wasn't really what I was looking for or hoping to find. This article was more so of a study done on families that had been divorced and some that hadn't and how it had affected them differently. It did give results they had found and things of that nature, however I found it hard to understand and really get anything out of. The other article I found at googlebooks.com and it was titled "Stepfamilies- Who Benefits?". I found a little more information here and it was much easier for me to understand this article. This article was not so much based on a study done but more so on research that has been done in the past and what they had found and believed to be the effects of divorce and blended families on children. I have decided to start with the second article for my research, but I will continue to look for other sources, and hope to find more information.
I have learned a little bit on how divorce affects children, such as it seems to affect boys more than girls in some ways, and also that studies have shown that children benefit more when their parents have divorced to be placed in the care of the same sex parent, which I thought was interesting. I still have alot of unanswered questions and hope that I can find information on them.



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Divorce and Children

My topic of choice is the effects of divorce as well as the introduction of step-parents into young children’s lives. I would like to know how this effects them, and in what ways? I would also like to know if it affects them more at certain ages or not? Another question I have is about siblings, does bringing new siblings into the picture make them feel like they have to fight for attention, or in what ways does that affect them? And also what things can we as parents do to help them in these situations? The reason I have chosen this subject to research is because I have recently gotten re-married. I have a three year old daughter, and my husband has a three year old son. With time the kids have gotten more used to each other and today act like any brother or sister would with one another, but it wasn’t always this way. When we first introduced them and moved in with one another they would fight an awful lot and were very competitive with one another. I have also noticed some changes in my daughter’s behavior since we have married, and I am just curious about the changes that the children go through in situations like this, and what I can do to make the transition easier on them. My current thoughts on this topic are that it has to be confusing for kids, especially young ones who you can’t really explain things to in a way that you could with an older child. I can’t really imagine what they must think when one day mom and dad are together and everything seems fine in their eyes, and then the next they are living with only one parent or being shuffled back and forth between the two. My father hasn’t been a part of my life for a long time now, but I was a little older when he and my mom split. Even though I was older when this happened, I don’t really remember any of it. I have heard from my mom that I had a really hard time with it, and that it took a long time for me to understand it all, but I honestly don’t remember much of it. Also my mom didn’t move and decide to re-marry or even date. My mom has been single ever since, so I’ve never had to deal with a step-parent of step-siblings being a part of my life, and disrupting it. I think that is why I have so many questions about it. It is my current situation and although I have lived a similar one, I haven’t had to deal with all the other aspects of divorce that our children are having to. They seem to be happy now, and I know we both are much happier than we were previously, but I would just like a little more insight into what goes on in their little heads when things like this occur. I think the best place to find answers on this subject would be the internet, as well as asking people who have gone through this or are also going through it what their experience has been. I look forward to this, and hope to find as much information as possible to help me understand.



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Introduction

Hello! My name is Alicia Hepner, I am 21 years old. I have two beautiful children, one girl and one boy... they are both 3... the boy is actually my step-son. I just recently got re-married to the man of my dreams, and am very happy. I am in my first year of college and so far really enjoying it. I live in a little town in Colorado, but hope to move here soon, my sights are set on Tennesee. I grew up in the south, and have always really wanted to go back. Well there's a little about me. Hope you enjoyed!